Assume Nothing

My cat Zaphod Beeblebrox or Beebles as we affectionately call him is pissed at me. He has been upset with me ever since I brought another animal into my home nearly a year ago. As punishment, he hides from me most of the time, but I know he is still alive… I hear him snoring and smell him farting under my bed. Occasionally he growls or I hear his claws snagging the carpet and he hobbles through the house… he thinks he is Howard Hughes these days, long nails, nasty habits, and all. At least he has not started laying out tissue on all of the surfaces yet. Honestly, I would not put it past him. No more movies for Beebles… he can socialize like the rest of the animals.

Earlier today, okay later today but earlier than this evening, I heard yelling coming from upstairs. Not human yells cat yells. I asked my son what was going on in his room. He stopped what he was doing, walked into my room, and announced that two of the cats, Pye and Beebles were rough housing in his room and that they would not knock it off. Pye is over 13 years old and Beebles is about 10, so that was a sight that I wanted to witness. As soon as I started up the stairs, Beebles heard me and scuttled out of sight. Asshole! I swear that when I catch him, or corner him, that cat is getting those long ass nails clipped.

Is it just me or do most old men stink (Alvin excluded in this statement because he will never really be old) … as in farts and moldiness. I swear that lately all of the men that I have been around have this pungent odor of mold or poor hygiene. Now I have a pretty sensitive nose so this is why I ask. These are questions that old Howard Hughes living under my bed brings to mind. Oh hell maybe they do not know how to launder their clothes, or they need a toothbrush, and a healthy dose of Beano. So, explain the cat then.

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